A new class of people, who possess swanky laptop and notebooks yet have limited to no access to internet. The internet connection icon sitting on your taskbar never shows more than one bar, and that too is a luxury, for it is not often available. Right before your eyes, that single bar would go missing and is replaced with the ignominious yellow exclamation mark- confirming that you are indeed 'Internet Poor'.
Often I have found myself cursing my laptop, for not having the strength to find and connect to an internet connection. Just like the municipal water supply back home in Kanpur, the connection comes and goes without warning, often leaving you parched. As soon as you see the connection, you hastily close all your windows and open your internet explorer, point to that Gmail icon and hope with baited breath that you will connect. The internet explorer keeps showing you the, ‘I am working on your request’ pointer while your case is being judged by it. You cross your fingers, stand on your lucky leg, hope that Skype, Msn, Yahoo messenger etc. are not stealing your bandwidth, and stare into the screen. Often times you are guilty and are thrown into the dungeons of no-information. Yet that rare moment of success is all worth it, when you finally see that your spam box is full, people at work are vying for your blood, charity groups are asking for your humble donation with religious fervour, professional groups wanting to make you better at your job but have no jobs to offer you, friends in greener pastures have already moved on to ‘Facebook’, while you still hope for that elusive personal email.
But lightning strikes and so does a friend in a far off land with similar state as yours, still using email, sends you that Hi. You dig in and see that he has asked you to visit a website. Exhilaration soon gives away to fear, of having been sent an infected link. But what if the friend had really stumbled upon a treasure trove and really does want to share it with you. The indecision mixed with urgency, as you know that the connection could be gone anytime, makes you to ponder for less than a second and you click it. Sometimes you are saved by your own internet connection which switches first to limited and then no connection- never allowing you to see the gift your friend had sent! Ah the saviour it is.
Man is a very intelligent animal, and learns soon from observation. Working on the laptop day and night trying to finish your homework, research protocol, presentation, product or just your ‘Solitaire’ game, you realize the diurnal variation of internet. More investigation makes you realise that the internet connection becomes stronger as the night approaches and is the strongest just before day-break! The normal rules of worldly living don’t apply here and so you propose the “First theory of internet connection”
"The speed and duration of internet connection is directly proportional to your inability to use it.”
Soon as you adjust your circadian rhythm to the internet connection, and start waking at inhuman hours, you are able to actually chat with your friends online, to log into Facebook, to watch that funny youtube video where a dog farts, to see the world beyond just email- a world which existed but was beyond your imagination! Hunger and greed take over you and you wish to connect to the internet while in office hours, the first thing when you reach home, the last thing before you sleep, you wake up and sleep with internet. But before you know, the internet God intervenes and strange situations finally restrict and limit your internet- even in those strong wee hours. You pick up your laptop in your hands and start moving from one place to the other all across your room hoping to get a better internet connection. With scant regard of what people might think, you go out of your room in your pink shirt and sit on the stairs, try the terrace, the roof, sitting right next to your neighbour’s door, in the lobby hoping to catch that glimpse of internet bar saying you are connected successfully. Everyone in your building and surrounding starts knowing you as the destitute internet poor, as passing by you ask them to share their good fortune- their internet connection!
“Bhagwan ke naam pe internet connection de de baba, bhagwan tera bhala karega.”And so I live, in the world where internet racism increases as more and more people secure their internet connection, preventing internet destitute like me from enjoying the privileges they enjoy for even one second. I am the internet poor!
(In God's name give me an internet connection, he will bless you.)
“Sirf, ek email bhejne de baba, upar wala tujhe kushiyan dega.”
(Just let me send one email, the almighty will give you happiness)
“Char dino se facebook ka muh nahin dekha baba, sirf status update karne de baba!”
(Haven't seen the face of facebook for four days, just let me update my status Sir.)
“Tu aaj mujhe ek email karne dega, to upar wala tujhe kal hazaroon email karne dega baba.”
(You allow me to send an email today, HE will allow to send thousands tomorrow.)
“Yeh 56Kbps connection kya de raha hai, dena ho 256kbps de. 56 mein to google bhi nahin kuhlta, youtube kaise dekhunga!”
(What will I do with this 56KBPS connection you are giving me, given me 256 atleast. Even google does not open in 56, how will I see youtube!)
